


The Truth

by First_Duchess



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Dark, Explicit Language, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV First Person, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 02:57:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/First_Duchess/pseuds/First_Duchess
Summary: These are the world’s many truths. And that is now all I listen to.





	The Truth

**Author's Note:**

> Roy/Ed Week 2019 Day 4! Prompt: drowning
> 
> This is pretty damn dark. Attempted suicide, suicide idealization, blood, manipulation (in reference to the syringe scene, you'll know what I'm talking about). All first person POV is from Ed.
> 
> Enjoy!

My thoughts best form in solitude. Away from judging eyes, prying attitudes, and concerned faces. And that solitude is best found in a bathroom where none can disturb me.   
  
My body is merely a shell, although not nearly as reliable as a real one. It's malleable, fleshy, quick to be injured and quicker to bleed. I've never broken a limb, but I'm missing one, so that makes up for it, no? Ever since I got my arm back, I'm now two toned like bruised fruit, and I've never felt so similar to an inanimate object as I do at this point in time. Soft, easily destroyed, and rotten to the core. The skin appears strong but is easily penetrable and prone to parasites.   
  
My parasites are my thoughts formed in solitude. Funny how that is.   
  
My eyes flutter shut as I let myself fall victim to the creatures festering within me. It's toxic, I know, and yet I can't break away from it. Therapy this, medication that. My fake face is spot on at this point. I say that I'm fine and nobody dares to second guess me. They're either too oblivious or don't care. Maybe I'm just a good actor. I'll take what I can get.  
  
It's not fair to Roy, really, to deal with me. He has the world on his shoulders. We keep our relationship close and truthful, but I've seen the Truth, and so has he. And the Truth has told me how unwarranted my presence is to this world now that my deed is done.  
  
I sink deeper, the water rising higher, and I both bless and curse this deep bathtub. I bless and curse my sense of peace. I bless and curse the love of my life for loving me in the first place. I'm not worthy, couldn't be if I wanted to, and I'm just a figment of his life that could easily fade out. See, I know the Truth, and that's why I'm here, in this bathtub, door locked. It's why the blood in my veins is now running into the water. I no longer feel as if I should be a part of this life time. I feel vacant, like I'm floating. And it's comforting. Despite being under the water, I feel light as a feather. The Truth can't hold me under any longer. I'll break free of its chains. It can have its knowledge back.   
  
I close my eyes.  
  
I'm free.

***

Roy came home a bit later than usual, and he cursed himself for it. He kicked off his shoes and hung up his hat. He meant to give Ed a call, he really had, but meeting after meeting had him busy, not to mention paperwork. He knew that taking the seat of Fuhrer meant he had a lot to do, but this was getting ridiculous.

The house was dark, save for one lamp, which was Ed’s cue of “I went to bed, here’s this so you don’t stub your toe like a dumbass or something.” He clicked it off and trudged up the stairs, aching for a hot shower. He expected Ed to be asleep but found the bed perfect, just as how they had left it this morning. Neatly made, pristine. Roy eyed the bed then the bathroom and figured maybe Ed was finishing up a bath before heading to sleep.

Roy began stripping out of his uniform jacket tiredly, so glad to be home, even happier to know that tomorrow meant he could spend with his beloved. It had been long overdue. He had a special day planned for the two of them. They had been public for going on four years now, but tomorrow was five years for them, and that’s all that mattered to Roy.

He opened up a hidden box in his dresser, hidden precariously underneath the lip of the drawer, and pulled out a velvet black box. No ordinary ring would do, not for such an extraordinary man. He had it custom made, perfectly detailed, meticulously crafted just for Edward. Two serpents wrapped around each other, twisting and coiled, and at their mouths, a purple stone. A perfect symbol of Fullmetal and the Flame, the red and the blue, coming together and ultimately merging. Roy smiled warmly, running the pad of his forefinger across the silver of the band, then he shut the box and put it back in its spot. Tomorrow was the day. Ready or not.

And he was more than ready.

He walked towards the bathroom to give a quick knock and check on his man of the hour (more like every hour), and mid-pace he half-tripped over a random object in the floor. Roy frowned, then stooped to pick it up. It was a medicine bottle, and further inspection showed it had Ed’s name on it. _Probably one of his empty bottles,_ Roy thought to himself as he went to place it on the nightstand, next to another bottle.

He went to turn and stopped, standing in place and moving his head back to the table.

“What a minute…” Roy muttered, picking up both bottles with his hands, rolling them and reading them. They both had Edward’s name on them, both read the same medication and dosage. One was from last month, the other was for this month, and its refill was due in two weeks.

However, the latter of the two bottles was empty.

Roy’s blood ran cold as he looked at the bottle then over to the door as he did the math.

_Overdose is common_, he remembered the doctor saying to the both of them, _make sure to always report side-effects. Not all medicine is made for everyone. It’s not cookie cut. What may work for someone may make you feel worse, and vice versa._

“Fuck!” Roy cursed, speeding to the door to open it, finding it was locked. And he felt sweat beading upon his face.

“Ed!” He yelled, banging on the door. He got completely eerie silence. “Edward! Edward, open up!” Roy was positive the neighbors could hear him right now, not that it mattered. “Edward fucking Elric!” Roy’s voice boomed as gave up hitting the door and decided to start throwing his weight to it. After a couple tries, he busted the door in and fell on top of it in the process. Roy shook his head, gathered his bearings and looked up and over to the bath tub.

Whatever amount of blood he saw was similar to the amount that ran out of his face.

***

Roy was a mess. The adrenaline was wearing off and now he was shaking, sitting in the waiting room outside the E.R., blood from head to toe. Ed’s blood. His _boyfriend’s blood_. He had called Riza, spared all details, and begged for a change of clothes.

He barely remembered what had occurred. It was all a blur. Ed, with empty pill bottles. Ed, passed out in the tub. Ed, his arms cut and blood seeping out like warm wine. Ed, face barely above the water that it was a complete shock that he had not drowned. Ed, his hair matted from blood that it was stuck to. Ed, completely pale in the ambulance ride. Ed, who was in the E.R. and they wouldn’t let Roy back there to see him. Ed was alone. _Ed_.

Roy was jerked from his thoughts when Riza found him. She was changed out of her uniform, dressed simply in jeans, a jacket and boots. Her hair was down, and she was soaked, as it had started raining after he had arrived at the hospital.

“Sir…Roy…” Not much got past Riza, he knew that. But she was breathless, her voice quaking, eyes wide, her lip trembling ever so slightly.

Roy said nothing in response, completely blank in the face. Riza slowly walked over to him and dropped down to her knees in front of him, trying to catch his stare, looking for her superior officer, her friend, in those vacant black eyes.

“Roy…” She whispered. She didn’t know what to say. Roy didn’t have to tell her what happened. Knowing what she did, it was easy to figure out.

She knew about Ed. She had to. He tells her everything. She’s his number one confidant and that would never change. If something were to happen, Riza needed to know about Ed.

_That is very personal information to share with me about Edward. Why are you telling me all this, sir?_

_Because you need to know. Do not question me on this._

_Yes, sir._

She was shaking her head slowly, muttering a soft “no, no” mantra under her breath, and she pulled him close, paying no mind to the fresh blood on his clothes. Riza could feel the rattling of his bones, the lowness of his breath, the weight of his grief. Despite her steel eyes, Riza was an empath. She tried for years to carve it out but could never be rid of it. All of his pain was hers, and suddenly she was very tired and heavy with sorrow. She felt wetness, recalling that the last time she had witnessed him shed tears was at their late friend’s burial, and it jerked a knot in her heart.

“They don’t know…if he’ll make it…”

Riza’s breath caught in her throat, and she pulled away to look at Roy in the face. He was grim, beaten, showing age far past what he was.

“Blood…he lost too much…” He croaked painfully.

It killed her to see him like this. Nothing hurt her like him being hurt. He was her motive, her calling, her path. Unrequited feelings be damned. She had made her peace, buried her feelings. She no longer felt romance, but brotherhood. It did not matter that he was not the groom to her bride. She would follow him into the deepest pits of hell just to drag him back out.

She just didn’t know if she could drag him out this time.

“I was…tomorrow, I was going to ask him to marry me…I had a special day planned and—” Roy stopped, curling in on himself, “…I was going to ask him to marry me, Riza…”

Riza never wanted to see the floodgates be let open. He was a wall—strong, sturdy, impenetrable. Her heart was breaking witnessing her beloved friend fall apart. He was ripping from the seams right in front of her. The sounds coming from his mouth were a story full of tragedy, and it pulled tears from her eyes to stream down her cheek.

She scooted as close as she could and held him to her, his head buried in her shoulder, and he let out all of his turmoil onto her. She took it graciously and without bitterness or resentment. She could hear the demons clawing their way out of his throat, his knuckles white as they fisted in her jacket, and Riza wasn’t sure if it was the situation or the dampness of her hair that was making her shiver.

***

I wake up slowly, heavily, and my throat is drier than any desert that I have stepped foot into. My head throbs, hard and loud, at the brightness of whatever I’m in. Is it heaven? Truly it doesn’t exist.

Alas, it doesn’t. I see what is a ceiling with bright lights. I turn my head slowly, internally agonizing at the pain running through every fiber of my being. The walls are white. I look down. My body is in a blue gown, and the sheets across me are somehow whiter than the walls. I’m in a hospital. There’s a mop of black at the side of my hip.

It’s sleeping.

_Roy_.

My eyes open wide as I begin to recount everything and anything I can. Downing my pills with liquor from Roy’s cabinet. Leaving a parting note on the bathroom counter. Running my bath and locking the door. Slicing my arms with Roy’s straight razor. Sinking into my bath just like I had been scrambling out of Truth’s hold. The deeper I went, the more I tasted freedom.

A movement out of the side of my eyes catches my attention, and it’s some blonde hair standing. It’s Riza.

“Oh...Edward...” I hear her whisper as she trots over. Her face is tear-stained, eyes puffy and pink. She gives Roy a shake, telling him to wake up, and then she’s bolting out the door. I assume it’s to get a nurse or a doctor. The man at my side grumbles, raises his head, and peers at me with bloodshot black eyes, pinker and puffier than the ones I had just seen.

“Edward…” I hate how he says my name like that. So sad, stricken. He looks like shit. He has black circles. He’s as pale as the moon. He has stubble. “Edward, you’re awake…”

I open my mouth to say something but find that nothing comes out.

“You’ve been out for a few days now…” he mumbles, wiping the new tears coming down his cheeks. “They…they said…” he hiccups like a child in the middle of a crying fit. “They said you might not make it…”

I wonder why he stopped me, then.

Riza comes back with a doctor and I drown out all conversation. I do not wish to be a part of it.

Eventually, the doctor excuses himself, as does Riza. I look at Roy who has his face in his hands. I try to move my arms, but I cannot. I look down.

They’re bound.

Roy must have noticed my confusion. “On the off chance that you did wake up with no one around, they…they restrained you so you couldn’t…d-do anything…”. He wipes his face once more and he reaches for a cup. “They said ice chips until your throat is up to speed, then you can have water. Would you like some?”

Yes, I would.

He raises the bed with the remote and begins feeding me ice chips. Slowly but surely, I start to feel my tongue release its hold from the bottom cavity of my mouth, and my throat is able to expand and constrict properly. I try to flick my hair out and away from my eyes. When I do, I catch a glimpse of dried red liquid in my hair.

My blood.

And I begin to heave.

Roy calls in a nurse. They get me clean and changed into a new gown. I’m tired at this point. I want to sleep. Roy is just staring at the wall, not saying anything. He looks as dead as I actually am.

He sighs and speaks. “Edward…I’m sorry.”

“What?” I croak. And that hurt like a _bitch_.

“I know that ever since I took reign as Fuhrer, I have not been as present. And if I have been present, I haven’t actually been present.” He holds my hand. It’s warm. “Very rarely do I tend to ask about you. And how you’re feeling, _really_ feeling.” He rubs my hand with his thumb. “I have been a neglectful partner, and it wrecks me knowing that it took until everything got to this point for me to realize. I have never wanted anything but the best of things for you, Ed.” He puts his forehead to mine. I must reek of blood and vomit. He doesn’t seem to mind.

“I should know better, _do_ better. And I will. I promise, from the bottom of my heart, to do better by you, Edward Elric. It is uncalled for that it got this far. I should have kept better with you, checked on you more, asked about your appointments, your feelings, your sentiments, about everything and _anything_.” Fresh tears start to roll down his face, and I wish he would stop crying. He knows I can’t stand to see him cry. He knows it breaks my heart.

“I know nothing I say can turn it all around at the drop of a hat. I know that the road is going to be even more difficult now. I’m aware that there is work cut out for both of us.” His voice starts wavering, cracking, and I feel wetness on my cheeks now. “Every fiber of my being, every nerve, every muscle lives for you, Edward. Every thought for the country also encompasses you, Edward. I want to make this world a better place for everyone. I want to make it better for _you_, too.” He reaches up to wipe my tears, and I am jealous that I cannot do the same.

“I am so sorry for my actions and wrongdoings, and I am ashamed of myself. And I know this isn’t all about me. There are things deep down in that genius head of yours that I might never get to know.” He huffs a small laugh, cracks a small smile, and my heart is shattering into billions of pieces. “But I should do better about being there _for _you and _with_ you. You’re my world, Edward.”

He pulls away and places the softest, most sincere kiss to my forehead, and my tears roll heavily now. He keeps rubbing my hand and looks into my eyes like I am the most precious artifact to behold.

“Ed…” he reaches below, out of sight, and pulls out a small box. I almost swallow my tongue as he speaks again. “Edward Elric. I am here to dedicate myself to us. Every word you speak breathes life into my lungs. Every laugh you share with me eases the worry in my bones. Every caress you lay across me also caresses my heart. Every idea you share sparks enthusiasm and encouragement in my mind. Every kiss we have shoots sparks up my spine. Every night we share drags me deeper in love with you. Every time I go to sleep next to you, my nightmares haunt me less. Every time I wake up next to you, my days get brighter and brighter.” He opens the box, and the ring inside it is breathtaking. Its silver, the purple gem that refracts the light in a million ways is perfectly and equally held safe in the mouths of two serpents. My body trembles, bubbling up from my core and leaking to my fingers and toes. I shoot my eyes from the ring to his face again, and he looks so raw, so real. His hands are shaking as he pulls the ring from its home and places it on its new one—my ring finger on my left hand.

“I, Fuhrer Roy Mustang of Amestris, pledge my life to you, Edward Elric. Through all the good and the bad, the smooth and the rough, the well and bleak, I will be by you. I give my all to you and will be honored and ever so thankful if you choose to have me. Through the smiles and the tears, the fights and resolutions, the courage and the fear, I will stand by you as long as you let me. I vow to never neglect you, to never take you for granted, to never let you doubt my sincerity for you as a person. Forever, as long as we walk the earth, hand-in-hand, heart-to-heart. Edward Elric, will you marry me?”

He is looking at me and I see so much love pouring from him. I feel terrible. He is a complete and utter wreck due to my actions. I feel guilty yet he is the one apologizing. He feels like a monster, yet _I_ am the real monster.

“R-Roy…” My voice comes weaker than I thought it would. “P-please…don’t be sorry…” I try to straighten myself, uncomfortable by my restraints, and he assists me until I nod in comfort. “I…I need to be more open…” I take a deep breath. It feels like I ran a marathon.

He hushes me softly, rubbing my cheek with his hand. It’s rough and calloused and _Roy_, and I lean into it as he speaks once more. “No more, my love. You are tired, as you have a right to be. We can discuss details after you are well.”

I ask to go home, and he says the doctors are keeping me under watch for 72 hours, after which I will have a mental evaluation done. My lips purse, and he frowns, “Ed, why does that upset you?”

“B-because…I’ll never be well…” My voice trembles. I feel distant again. I want to vacate my body and be free. Let me out, please, Roy, _please_.

He shakes his head, “That is not true, Edward. We are here to help. All of us.”

My eyes go wide at that mention. _All of us_. “W-Winry…Al?”

“They’re on their way as we speak.”

I start shaking my head. They weren’t supposed to know, Roy. Why did you tell them, Roy? It’s bad enough that you know. I start wailing in agony, desperation. Let me out. I’m in pain, Roy, can’t you see that? He holds me close. I am quaking, and so is he. Truth is grinning at me. It’s sinister. He’s telling me to come home. My lips are moving but no words are exiting. Roy is watching me now.

“…Ed, what—”

“Truth wants me to come home.” I blurt.

Roy’s eyes become the size of two 500 cens coins, his jaw slack, and I swear for a slight moment he stops breathing. His eyes that had just begun to become dry are now wet once more as he struggles to find a response. “E-Ed…”

I look at him. I hope the desperation is showing through my face. I don’t want to walk this life anymore. It hurts. Everything I have done, everything I am, it _hurts_. I look down. That ring is there. It feels alien.

“T-take it off…” I whisper, and the hurt that paints his features is irritating. “Take it off! I don’t deserve it! _Off!_” I start yelling, thrashing. Let me out, Roy. I need out, Roy. Let me fucking die already, Roy.

Nurses start rolling in. Roy looks dead in the face. I feel a prick in my arm.

The world is darker, now.

***

After Ed had drifted off to sleep, Roy sat in his chair, completely petrified by what he had witnessed. His breathing was shallow, his hands trembling, and Riza walked back in with some coffee.

“Roy…I thought, he was just—”

“They had to sedate him, Riza.”

She said nothing, her lips a thin line pressed together.

“Did you call his doctor like I asked?”

“Yes. He’s on his way now to speak with Ed.” She walked slowly from the door to him, handing him a cup of coffee and pulling her chair next to his before sitting down.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, eyes on the ring he placed on Ed’s finger, and Riza’s eyes follow the line of sight. “That’s…beautiful, sir.”

“He told me to take it off because he didn’t deserve it. When did it get so bad, Riza?”

Once again, she said nothing.

***

It’s really tiresome to wake up to bright ass white lights again. It does nothing for my mood. Not like anything does much for it anyway.

I turn my head to the side. Oh, wonderful, my doctor is here. I look the other way. Roy is here still, too.

Let the fun begin.

“Mr. Elric, I’m glad to see you’re still with us.”

“That makes two out of the three,” I respond blandly. Roy’s eyes look like saucers at my confession.

“What’s going through your head right now, Mr. Elric?”

“I want to die.” Why can’t anybody understand that?

“Just a couple months ago you said everything was better.”

“I lied.” I’m good at that. Roy is having to hide his face in his hands. His shoulders are shaking. He’s crying again. The doc scratches on his notepad then looks me in the eyes.

“You wish to die?”

“Yes.”

“Who am I to keep you?” He stands, opens his bag, and pulls out a syringe. My eyes are glued to it, fingers flexing. What?

“W-what—”

“Midazolam. Vecuronium bromide. Potassium chloride. You’re smart, Mr. Elric. You can figure it out.”

I look between the syringe, the man and Roy. Roy’s face is ghost white and I wonder if mine is the same.

“T-That’s not legal.”

“What? You said you wanted to die, no? Your significant other is the Fuhrer for crying out loud. I’m sure he’d keep it under wraps. You want to go so badly, so why not just let me? You have the opportunity to.” He steps around to the other side of the bed near Roy and stands in front of my right arm. My arm that has my IV line. I look at Roy. He won’t meet my gaze. What the _fuck_ is happening.

“All you have to do is sign this paper,” the doc waives something in my face, “and I’ll inject this solution into your IV line. You’ll be out in less than a minute and your heart will stop beating not long after. What do you say, Mr. Elric?”

“No.”

The word leaves my mouth quicker than I expected. The doctor has the guffaw to look surprised.

“No? Why ever not, Mr. Elric?” He moves the needle closer to my IV line, and I start to thrash to get away. Roy, look at me, damn it! Help me!

“B-Because, no! _No_! Get that away from me! _Roy_!” I’m yelling, full panic. This is a nightmare. What is Truth up to? Roy refuses to acknowledge me. “Roy, you bastard! You can’t go on that tangent about loving me and then do this shit!” Tears are rolling down my face and my voice is embarrassingly high. “Are you going to let this fuckhat murder me?! _Roy_!”

“What difference is it than when I found you that night?”

My eyes go wide and I still.

“W-what—”

“Edward, I love you. Let us help you, please.” Roy finally looks at me and the dumbass doctor puts that heinous needle away. “You’re hurting, it’s evident. I don’t think you really want to leave yet. You’re scared of admitting your thoughts to others. You’re scared of judgement. You’re terrified of it. You’re worried everyone and anyone who has ever been around you will vanish at the first sight of trouble. You pretend you’re fine to not worry others because you don’t want to be a nuisance. That’s it, isn’t it?”

My shell cracks. Somehow, this fuck-ass bastard figured me out. The doctor makes a few scribbles on his notebook, rips the page out, and hands it to Roy. Roy nods, mutters a “thanks”, and the doctor leaves. Roy turns to me again, “Mr. Hatch has wrote out a regimen for you. He doesn’t think you should go through the typical program most others are required to do considering your sensitive past. The hospital is still going to watch you for three more days, though.”

“I’m scared, Roy.” My lips are loose now. Roy wants me to open up so badly. Truth is telling me no, but Truth isn’t right in front of me. Roy is in front of me. It’s _Roy_. He’s here, isn’t he? “P-please, let me touch you…” I try to move my arm, and he undoes my binding. My hand flies to his face, rubbing the roughness of it, taking in the feeling. The warmth of his blood under my fingertips. This, _this_ is real.

“Yes, Edward, it is real. I am real. I am _here_.” I hadn’t realized I was speaking out loud. He puts his hand over mine and leans into it before turning it and kissing the middle of my palm. “I am by your side no matter what. Don’t forget that.”

I choke back a sob. He pulls me closer to him. The levees are down now, and it rushes out of me like a waterfall. He rocks me, pets my hair, whispers into my ear as I let everything go. I cry obscenely, I babble about my inner darkness, what Truth tells me. He nods, hums, he’s here. Roy’s here. _Roy_. I breathe deeply, inhaling his scent, and feel my nerves wind down. I’m tired again.

I move my fingers. That band is still there. I had forgotten.

I pull away slowly, look into Roy’s eyes and brush his bangs away with my fingers. I steel myself with a deep breath and give him my answer.

“Yes.”

***

One year has passed since I attempted to end my life.

In that time, Jean and Riza announced their engagement. Alphonse and Winry both surprised each other at my last birthday. He asked for my permission to propose on that day, and it was granted. After Winry accepted, she let him know she was pregnant. My brother is blissfully happy. I received a phone call last week saying they were having twins. I’m going to be an uncle now. Roy and I moved up our wedding so that Winry won’t have to travel so late in her pregnancy. We will be married in a month.

All of these things would not have been possible if I had listened to Truth. Instead, I choose to listen to what’s real. Tangible. Physical.

I can touch Roy, I can feel my brother when we embrace, I can experience the kicks by Winry’s unborn children. I can taste snow, smell oil, hear a squirrel in the leaves.

These are the world’s many truths. And that is now all I listen to.


End file.
